The night without much sleep

Eliza slept in the evening yesterday...which was odd. it's usually her 3-hr fussy hour (when she wants to be carried, then looks tired, and then also seem to want to drink milk). She slept till 10pm, drank milk and fell back to sleep again. I knew i'm gonna get it in the middle of the night..
and sure we did. Ww & I settled to bed at 12mn...she woke at 12.20pm to drink milk and after seemingly looking tired out from milk, i tried to change her diapers but she started crying...ok ok more milk..but it didn't seem it. was it wind in her tummy? i rubbed the RiYi oil, burped her (which she did!), then she spit out milk. still wouldn't settle to bed. all the commotion woke daddy up (which wasn't so bad since he has been sleeping late these few days). anyway...we carried her around the house, went back out to the study room..and eventually at 3am i fed her and she finally fell asleep. *faint* that was our 3-hour ordeal.

while she woke at her usual early morning (545am & 730am) for milk...she and I were kinda so tired out we overslept our usual time till 930am. now i know...keep her awake in the evenings!!!!!

To Bottle-feed or direct-latch?
I knew i'll eventually have to feed her with EBM when i return to work but we started on bottle-feed a lil too early (at 2 weeks). the recommended time is frm 4 weeks onwards, to reduce the possibility of nipple confusion. she sure isn't finding bottle feed difficult cos it's easier to suck but i was hoping that she'll be smart enough to adapt to both..the way the baby sucks frm the bottle & directly is different. plus it's really troublesome to bottle feed EBM, compared to direct-latch cos...
No.1- i have to spend at least 1/2hour to express milk every 3 hours
No.2-we have to heat up the milk frm the fridge and that takes at least 10mins (a hungry baby isn't gonna wait 10mins)
it's frustrating sometimes because nowadays at her fussy hour she'll struggle with me and refuse to latch properly...plus crying really loudly. we're still keeping her bottle feeds to 1 or 2 everyday and i'm trying refrain from using the pacifier. honestly i dunno why i still want to direct-latch her, but i guess it's the ease of feeding her (at least at home) and the bonding we both have (ok i do fall asleep while she nurses anyway...or sometimes it's boring so i read). I guess i'm hoping she is versatile enough and is settled to direct-latching so eventually in 1months time can directly nurse her in the middle of the night while someone else can feed her in the day if i'm not around.

so much for breastfeeding...stuff i was too lazy to read up on before i gave birth and now i'm reading whatever i can get my hands on..geez

On keeping calm and freaking out...
Interestingly, i'm calm when she 'freaks out' or more like fusses and cries suddenly loudly. and freaking out when i'm not around out. ok...the freaking out is a lil exaggerated. but i'll worry. In particular when she sleeps on her tummy in the day, i'll always check on her (in case she starts to kiss the mattress). i'll worry if a spot or rash comes out that i never read about. i'll worry if she's not sleeping enough, or sleeps too much, eats too much or eats not enough. i'll worry if i'm carrying her correctly.
ok...sometimes it's just momentary worry. so the only thing that gives me peace is that everytime i worry or at a loss (esp when we have no answers to why she reacts like that), or worried that something will happen to her, i pray. Telling God that she is all His, acknowledging that she's safe in His arms, asking Him to protect her, fill her with His peace & love...that's actually the most assuring thing. There are so many things beyond my control...so much so that I can't help but really submit her to God, He's the best parent after all.

Ww & I continually rave over her...on how cute she is, on how amazing she has become part of us. I read on someone's blog who put this poem that reflects really what we have and are continuing to experience...

I wanted to be rich
But I wanted you more.
So every time I paid the doctor's bill
I lightly stroked the tiny bulge
That was my priceless treasure,
You.

I wanted to live a life of passion
But I wanted you more.
And since you came to me
I've felt a love I've never known,
Flowing out of me
To you.

I wanted to see the world
But I wanted you more.
So I set aside my travelling
And discovered a world
Right outside my door,
Through your eyes.

I wanted to be carefree
But I wanted you more.
And now I spend my days
Looking at clouds and chasing butterflies
And losing myself
In your laughter.

I wanted so many things
And I got them all,
Because I wanted you.

Barbara Nicks